You now manage your peer. Awkward.
A friend Slacked me this conundrum after a re-org — managing a former peer. I laugh-cried because it’s one of the awkward situations that so many of us go through, and still tricky no matter how seasoned you are. So I hope this edition resonates with my fellow managers, soon-to-be managers, or peer-turned-direct-reports.
The Situation
We recently had a re-org and I now manage a larger team. It is generally a good move, but one of my new direct reports is someone I used to be peers with. We’re friendly. We’ve vented about our old manager together. He knows what I make. He’s very smart and a solid performer so I’m sure he feels slighted by this change. It’s all weird. How should I approach this?
My Take
Ah the awkward yet flattering milestone of managing a former peer.
This transition is genuinely awkward, and if you didn’t feel a pang of discomfort, I would be worried you were a monster. It means you’re taking the relationship seriously and you’re empathetic! Take the points where you can get them.
Here’s the thing: the dynamic has to change. The longer you delay resetting it, the worse it gets. The good news? You can do this without blowing up the friendship (and maybe even strengthening it?), but it takes some intentional moves upfront.
1️⃣ Have a conversation early (like, now)
Don’t let the weirdness linger. Have a direct, honest conversation — not a big dramatic “things are different now” speech, but a clear acknowledgment. I personally like to lead with positive intent and not making any assumptions about how they are feeling.
“I value our relationship and I want to be intentional about how we navigate this transition together. Let’s talk about how things might shift.”
Name the new dynamic out loud. It makes it less weird, not more. Share your intentions — you don’t want to micromanage, you want to maintain open lines of communication, and you value their perspective.
2️⃣ Establish what stays the same and what changes
You can still be warm, funny, human. You don’t have to become a robot. What changes: you’re now the person responsible for their performance, growth, and sometimes tough calls about their career.
Be clear — to yourself first, then to them — about how you intend for things to work.
3️⃣ Use what you know about them to everyone’s advantage
You say they are super smart and a solid performer — win! Leverage that knowledge and trust to form your ways of working. Ex. They can run autonomously, freeing up time for you and giving them space to grow.
Just be careful of allowing unfair biases to enter just because they are your friend (and/or you are over-compensating for the new situation). Ex. Assigning them all the cool projects.
4️⃣ Be the leader
Don’t be afraid to be the leader. There’s a reason you became the team lead. Don’t downplay it just because you were friends or have some assumptions that they feel slighted.
What would you want a great manager to do?
Give timely feedback, support you, be transparent, trust you to do your thing, unblock frustrating barriers, be a bad ass…
But this also means you can’t openly bitch and vent with each other. Check yourself when this inevitably happens simply because you used to. Redirect conversation or probe on solutions when things start to feel too venty.
Final thought
The peer-to-manager transition is easy to screw up. Most managers fumble it because they avoid the awkward reset. That’s controllable! Deal with it head-on.
The relationship can survive. In some cases, it gets stronger. But only if you’re willing to lead it there. You may be surprised are how your relationship flourishes in this new dynamic.
